In Matookestan, the Kisanja of No Sleep Started Years Ago

The President of the Democratic People's Republic of Matookestan declared in her swearing in speech that "This is a Term of No Sleep."

Actually many citizens almost stood up to thank her for finally acknowledging the real situation because, respectfully, when exactly were people sleeping?! The truth is, the citizens of Matookestan stopped sleeping a long time ago. 

A boda boda rider has not slept properly since he sold his father’s land in the village to come and hustle in the city. Every evening he calculates the day’s earnings and decides to call it “negative profit” instead of a loss, hoping that the more positive-oriented words will help him sleep better. It does not.

A parent with three children in school has not slept since school fees became a like church collections. The child brings a circular saying "120k only for development." Then another circular says "60k per subject for extra classes." Then "150k exam fees." How can they sleep?

A man in Kansanga has not slept properly since his landlord keeps increasing the rent "according to the economy" saying ebintu sibyangu - things are not easy out there. 

University graduates lie awake refreshing email inboxes
"Dear applicant…"
"Unfortunately…"
"Due to the high number…"

Eish! Even the HR Officer writing the rejection letters lies awake at night feeling some type of way.

The youth have not slept because every job advertisement now requires "six and a half years experience" for a position paying peanuts.

Look! The thieves are no longer sleeping comfortably because everybody is broke. A burglar can risk his life climbing through a window only to find one saucepan, an empty Blue Band container, and a Yaka meter blinking 00.30kwh.

Could it be that the President meant that this is an economic season of no sleep because you know there is no way hunger can allow someone to sleep. Some Matookestans go to bed after "eating" black tea.

Others are sleeping on debt itself. People now survive through some kind financial choreography: borrow from Airtel Money to pay MTN MoMo, borrow from a friend to pay Airtel, avoid the friend for two weeks, repeat until Jesus returns or salary, whichever comes first.

And then there is the PDM money.

Whenever government commissions a programme for development, citizens celebrate, but the MPs do not sleep because they are devising means of reallocation. Somewhere in Matookestan, a man who was supposed to buy seedlings with government support is still waiting under a mango tree while his MP is opening a hardware shop. By the time investigations begin, somebody has already built rentals, bought a Prado, and his children are speaking english through the nose. Meanwhile the villager for whom the money was intended is still holding a hoe and waiting for "empowerment."

But honestly, even corruption aside, the country itself does not encourage sleep.

You finally lie down peacefully and as the rain begins the roads and some houses disappear under water. How can those people sleep? Then a government official appears on television explaining why the drainage system designed in 1962 will not be upgraded because of its historical significance. 

Meanwhile everybody is stuck in traffic. People do not sleep because they have to be up at 4am to be on the road by 5am due to traffic. It is worse in the evening, because people leave office at 5pm to arrive home at 10:30 pm. Including school kids. 

The boda boda riders are awake. Taxi drivers are awake. Police officers are awake. 

Hospitals also participate actively in the national anti-sleep campaign.

You enter sick and while there you develop secondary stress. The doctor is exhausted from working in both the hospital and his small clinic. The nurse cannot be bothered. The medicine is "currently unavailable." They ask you to buy gloves, syringes, cotton wool, and perhaps the hospital building itself from a pharmacy across the road. How can you sleep?

The President was  being honest for once. Citizens of Matookestan are awake for various reasons, because how can they sleep?

So when Her Excellency mentioned in her Inaugural speech that this is the Kisanja where citizens shall not sleep, many people clapped and said, "Finally. The government has caught up with the programme."