Something strange is happening to my body

I have been experiencing very weird things in my body lately. 

The other day, I was driving when suddenly the car seat became extremely hot. It felt like the seat was on fire. I thought I had switched on the seat warmer so I checked, and it was off. The seat kept getting hotter. I wondered whether something electrical had gone wrong, so I asked the person sitting in the passenger seat to touch my seat. It was not hot when they touched it. When I touched it too, it was normal. It was then that I realised that the car was not on fire. I was the one on fire. My entire body was burning from the inside. I could not get cool quick enough no matter how high I turned up the AC.

It happened again on Mt. Kilimanjaro a couple of weeks ago. The nights would get really really cold and when every body was freezing, layering up with jackets, socks, hats, gloves, etc, I was unbearably hot. In fact, I was shedding my layers one by one. It was such a weird feeling. 

Then there are moments when I get strangely cold and cannot be warmed from the outside. No matter how many layers I wear in the Entebbe blazing sun, nothing seems to be able to warm me because the cold is deep down inside me. It feels like my bones and blood are cold, possibly my soul is cold too.

The other strange thing happening, my dear friends, is the itch in my ears. Goodness! It is a deep itch inside the ear. Probably close to the semi circular canal that we learnt about in biology and it seems I require a specialised excavation equipment to go deep in my ear to scratch. I am constantly scratch my ears and sometimes looking for something thin enough to reach the exact spot but then I remember that putting random objects into one's eats is not good. 

As if that is not enough, there is the forgetting. I have looked for my glasses while wearing them. I will search high and low, check the table, my handbag, various rooms, asking who moved my glasses, only to touch my face and there they are on my face. 

I walk into rooms and forget why I am there. Granted, everybody does this occasionally but I will walk into a room with such purpose, or make a phone call confidently, and then nothing. I stand there and do not remember why I went to the room or made the phone call. 

The other day, I was telling a story, and had built up the context, the characters and I knew exactly where I was going with the story. Then... gone. The thought just left. I stopped mid sentence, not knowing what was going on. Everyone was looking at me, we all knew there was a point to the story, but it had gone. Brain fog!!

This one is hard to admit, but there are moments when I am really so irritable. Why are you chewing like that? Why are you breathing so loudly? Why have you put your cup there? Why is this person walking so slowly? Why are you asking me questions? Why is everybody suddenly so... everybody? The funniest part is sometimes I know I am being unreasonable while I am being unreasonable.

There are many other strange things happening, so I have been asking myself what exactly is going on?

My body is changing and I think this may be perimenopause. Yes, I said it. It surprises me how little we talk about it. Women talk about periods easily, but there is this other big change happening to our bodies especially us in our mid 40's and all we do is ask why the car seat is on fire or why moods flactuate. My body is changing, and actually that is ok.

I say it is ok because not only is it inevitable, but also I am beginning to realise that not everything about this change is a loss. Something else seems to be coming along with the change. I care less.... not about people because I think surprisingly care more deeply about people than before. I care less about nonsense.

My tolerance for unnecessary stress has become low. My desire to please everybody has reduced. I have less appetite for arguments that do not matter, relationships that disturb my peace, explaining myself repeatedly, asking for the same things over and over, or carrying other people's problems unreservedly.

I am not unhappy about this development. I am learning that peace is expensive, time is precious and energy should not be distributed like free samples at a supermarket. I am also becoming more compassionate to others and to myself, and more gentle too. 

I am learning to be more patient with myself. If I walk into a room and forget why I am there, I will stand there a while waiting for the reason to return or in the meantime, find something else to do. If I cannot remember where my glasses are, I will first check my fact. If I lose my train for thought, I know it will return. If I become irritated, I will remember that the person breathing loudly is just breathing. If the hot flashes come, I will remember Kilimanjaro in that while everyone was freezing cold and layering up, I was hot.

I ask that we extend kindness and patience to others - partners, friends, colleagues, relatives - who, like me, are going through this. Let's be more generous to those around us. Sometimes we are just as confused by what is happening inside our bodies as everyone else is by what they see on the outside, and that is when we need our circle to draw a little closer, hold on a little tighter, and give us a little more grace while we find our way through.

From where my increasingly hot, occasionally freezing, slightly itchy, somewhat forgetful, and considerably less tolerant feet are.