Uganda is Ebola-free. So the viruses held an AGM to review their performance.

Uganda has been declared Ebola-free. With Ebola's latest assignment officially concluded, it seemed only appropriate that before everyone packed up and moved on to the next crisis, the Viral Diseases Department should sit down for the inevitable performance review. There were achievements to celebrate, challenges to document, and lessons to learn.

The annual performance review meeting was called to order at 9:00am. Present were COVID-19, Ebola, Marburg, Monkeypox, Bird Flu, Dengue,  Hanta Virus and several other diseases attending virtually.

The Chairperson adjusted his glasses. "Good morning, everyone. Thank you for joining the Annual Viral Diseases Performance Review."

COVID immediately raised a hand. "Before we start, I would just like to remind everyone that I remain the benchmark."

The Chairperson sighed. "Yes, COVID. We know."

"I shut down airports."

"We know."

"I stopped cruise ships."

"We know."

"I made people wash groceries."

"We know."

COVID leaned back proudly.

Nobody likes working with COVID.

The Chairperson turned to Ebola. "Ebola, let's review your year." Ebola opened a PowerPoint presentation.

Key achievements:

• Generated international panic.
• Issued travel bans.
• Reduced tourist confidence.
• Appeared in at least 4,000 newspaper headlines.
• Caused governments to remember public health exists.

"Strong performance," said the Chairperson.

"Thank you," said Ebola.

"Any challenges?"

"Funding."

The room laughed.

"No, seriously," said Ebola.

The room laughed harder.

The Chairperson nodded sympathetically. "Every year they cut preparedness budgets."

"Exactly."

"And then when you return, everyone acts surprised."

"Exactly."

"Noted."

Marburg raised a hand. "I would like to register a complaint."

The Chairperson looked tired already. "What is it, Marburg?"

"Nobody knows who I am."

The room went silent.

Marburg continued. "I work just as hard as Ebola."

"That is true," said Ebola.

"I generate fear."

"Also true."

"I create emergency responses."

"Very true."

"But every time I show up, people say, 'Wait... is this Ebola?'"

The Chairperson wrote something down. "Brand visibility challenge."

"Exactly," said Marburg.

Monkeypox raised a hand. "I understand completely."

The room groaned.

"Please don't."

"No, seriously," said Monkeypox. "I spent half the year explaining my name."

"Fair."

"Do you know how exhausting rebranding is?"

"Very."

"I had communications consultants, journalists, politicians, health experts and social media influencers all discussing my name instead of discussing me."

The Chairperson nodded. "That counts as stakeholder engagement."

Monkeypox smiled.

Bird Flu spoke next. "I would just like everyone to know that I am still here."

Everyone turned.

Bird Flu continued. "I have been threatening humanity silently for years."

The Chairperson checked the attendance sheet. "Oh. We forgot to invite you."

"Exactly my point."

Just as the meeting was about to end, a voice came from the back.

"Excuse me."

The Chairperson looked up. "Yes?"

A hand was raised.

"I don't think anyone has acknowledged my contribution."

The room squinted.

"Who are you?"

"Hantavirus."

The Chairperson shuffled through the attendance register. "Hantavirus... Hantavirus... Hantavirus..."

"I am literally on page three."

"Sorry."

Hantavirus stood up. "I have been working quietly for decades."

"That's true."

"I infect people."

"Also true."

"I create concern among health professionals."

"Yes."

"So why does nobody ever talk about me?"

COVID raised a hand. "Marketing."

The room nodded.

"Marketing?" asked Hantavirus.

"Look," said COVID. "You need branding. You need drama. You need international press conferences. You need airport screenings. You need world leaders giving speeches."

"I have rodents."

"Exactly," said COVID.

Hantavirus sat down sadly.

The Chairperson tried to help. "For what it's worth, your technical work is highly respected."

"Nobody wants technical respect."

"Fair."

"I want travel advisories."

"Also fair."

Ebola leaned over. "Try appearing near an international airport. It helps."

The room erupted in laughter.

The minutes recorded this under: career development opportunities for emerging pathogens.

The Chairperson moved to the final agenda item.

"Before we close, what would each of you identify as the greatest opportunity for the department going forward?"

COVID raised its hand.

"International travel."

Marburg said, "Weak surveillance."

Monkeypox said, "Social media."

Hantavirus said, "Rodents."

Ebola thought for a moment.

"Human forgetfulness."

The room fell silent.

Then everyone applauded.

The Chairperson smiled.

"Excellent. I think we have our strategic priority."

The meeting was adjourned at 11:30am.

Outside, governments were already discussing where else they could cut public health spending.

The Viral Diseases Department agreed that prospects for the coming year remained excellent.