I cheated myself

I have a confession to make.

I cheated. I have been cheating myself.

For years, I have had this habit of falling in love with people who don't exist. They are not imaginary people, but imaginary versions of real people. I kept falling in love with who people could become instead of who they already were. It was expensive with regards to time, energy, ... and heartbreak.

I have hired people who were going to become amazing employees once they had settled down became more organised. I have believed in leaders who were definitely going to get it right once they settled in. I have rooted for politicians who only needed "a little more time." Yes, I have loved people for the version of them that existed almost entirely in my imagination.

Potential is dangerously attractive. With potential, you ignore today's evidence in exchange for tomorrow's promises. This person has so much potential. They will change. They will mature. They will eventually see. They are almost there. We say the same things about businesses, friendships, careers, and if I'm honest, even my gym membership has had enormous potential for successive years.

I have realised I have a gift for writing stories in my head. I meet someone on page one and then I'm already reading chapter twelve. I meet someone and immediately begin writing Chapter Twenty while they are still introducing themselves. They are still busy showing me exactly who they are. Looking back, I don't think I was seeing potential at all. I was seeing hope, and hope, beautiful as it is, can sometimes wear very thick glasses.

I was not dating who they were. I was dating my prediction. I wasn't hiring the employee I interviewed. I was hiring the employee I hoped they would be six months later. I was not listening to what the politician was doing. I was listening to the speech I wished they had given.

The thing is that people do not disappoint us by becoming someone different. Most of the time, they simply continue being who they were from the beginning. It is us who edited the script. We added qualities they never claimed to have, gave them promotions they hadn't earned, handed them wisdom they hadn't shown, and mistook possibility for reality.

I must confess that some of the biggest disappointments in life are not caused by bad people. They are caused by good imaginations. Mine. My imaginations. I have done this with people, organisations, projects, even the potted plants on my balcony. I became more committed to what something might become than to what it already was.

When you think about it, you realise that potential is free, while reality comes across as expensive in that it asks difficult questions. Can they be trusted? Do they keep their word? Do they show up when they say they will? Do they listen? Where potential says "imagine" reality replies, "Peace, observe."

These days I'm trying something different. I'm trying to believe people the first time they show me who they are. I don't think I have become cynical, if anything, quite the opposite. No doubt potential is a wonderful thing. It inspires us, stretches us, and gives us hope. But potential should not be a foundation. It shouldn't be asked to carry a relationship, a friendship, a business, or even a country on its back. Those things are built on much more basic things like character, consistency, honesty, and simply showing up.

So yes, I cheated myself by falling in love with potential,with tomorrow while ignoring reality and today.