If I could I would...

Every now and then, usually while walking, waiting, or avoiding work I should probably be doing, I find myself playing a game, sometimes with an equally bored friend of mine.  The rules are simple. The sentence always begins the same way...

If I could, I would...

The answers are hardly hardly sensible, but they tell me a lot in that what we wish we could change says as much about us as what we choose to accept. 

If I could, I would move Mondays to Wednesday. Nobody likes Monday. I do not even think Monday. likes Monday

If I could I would give every child one day as President mostly because children ask better questions than adults and are far less impressed by nonsense.

If I could I would charge interest on unsolicited advice. If you are going to run my life from the sidelines, the least you can do is contribute to the mental airtime you are consuming.

If I could I would replace networking with bird watching. Both involve standing around hoping to spot something interesting, but birds are generally more authentic.

If I could I would ban replying "noted." A study of the most passive-aggressive word in professional communication. 

If I could I would put politicians and toddlers in the same debate, not because they are similar and one reminds me of the other but because the outcome would be informative.

If I could I would rename midlife crises. Most of them are not crises. They are just software updates, some long overdue.

If I could I would put a counter above every person's head, to count the number of times they changed their mind and were too proud to admit it.

If I could I would tax greed instead of income. The richest countries on earth would probably become bankrupt overnight.

If I could I would ask every Grandmother where their wisdom comes from because they know exactly how life works despite never having attended a leadership retreat.

If I could I would follow One Thousand Shillings - a single note travelling through a taxi, chapati stand, church offertory, sports betting,  the market, etc The biography of money.

If I could I would install Customer Care for life. "Press 1 if adulting is not working as expected."

If I could I would audit every family WhatsApp group. There is no institution in Africa contains more economists, doctors, lawyers, pastors, political analysts, and conspiracy theorists.

If I could I would open a Museum of Abandoned New Year's Resolutions. It would be the most crowded museum on earth. 

If I could I would count how many times we have been saved by Aunties. An auntie with food, with advice, a place to sleep for 10 people, common sense, etc. Society is held together by aunties.

If I could I would know what my ancestors think of WiFi. Imagine surviving lions, droughts, wars, and kingdoms only to watch your descendants spend three hours arguing online with strangers.

If I could I would ban people from saying "it's a small world." The world is enormous. Ugandans simply know everyone.

If I could I would create a warehouse of "almost." For businesses that almost started, books that were almost written, apologies that were almost made, people who almost said "I love you."dreams that were almost pursued. 

If I could I would read the Terms and Conditions of adulthood. I would particularly like to review the section on procrastination, lactose intolerance, knee pain, taxes, and WhatsApp groups.

If I could I would ask every tree what it has overheard, especially the ones at trading centres. Those trees know things.

If I could I would...

In the end most of these things will never happen, but that's not the point. Many a time, ridiculous questions can lead us to honest answers.