An exclusive interview with Ebola

Following recent developments, I was fortunate enough to secure an exclusive interview with Ebola.

The virus came forty-five minutes late.

"Sorry," it said. "I was causing an international incident."

We sat down.

Peace N: Thank you for speaking with us.

Ebola: My pleasure. It is important to engage with stakeholders.

Peace N: How many people work for you?

Ebola: Just me.

Peace N: Just you?

Ebola: Yes.

Peace N: No communications department, finance team, strategic plan?

Ebola: No.

Peace N: Yet you have managed to trigger travel advisories, emergency meetings, conference cancellations, tourism losses and diplomatic discussions?

Ebola: I believe in efficiency.

Peace N: Impressive.

Ebola: Thank you.

Peace N: What is your annual budget?

Ebola: Zero dollars.

Peace N: And yet governments across the world are spending millions discussing you?

Ebola: I prefer to think of it as influence.

Peace N: Some people say there seem to be more outbreaks these days. Ebola. Marburg. Monkeypox. Bird Flu. What's going on?

Ebola: We have always been here.

Peace N: Then why are we seeing more of you?

Ebola: You keep coming to visit.

Peace N: Visit?

Ebola: Forests, wildlife habitats, places that humans previously left alone. For centuries bats, monkeys lived in forests. Then humans come with machetes, roads, settlements, etc. Now everyone is surprised that species are exchanging more than just neighbourly hellos.

Peace N: So habitat destruction is helping?

Ebola: You call it encroachment. We viruses call it stakeholder engagement.

Peace N: Hmmm....! Climate change is also mentioned frequently

Ebola: Climate change is another excellent human invention that has an impressive contribution. As the climate changes, animals and insects move, habitats shift and with that diseases move. Things that used to live over there now live over here. Things that could never survive somewhere suddenly can. 

Peace: Are you saying climate change helps diseases spread?

Ebola: Let's just say many organisms are finding new opportunities in a changing world. Unfortunately, humans are among them.

Peace N: But are there really more outbreaks?

Ebola: Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. You are also much better at finding us.

Peace N: Better diagnosis?

Ebola: Exactly. Years ago somebody got sick in a remote village and nobody knew why or blamed it on witchcraft. Today there are laboratories, surveillance systems, genomic sequencing, epidemiologists, dashboards and WhatsApp groups. Half the world knows before the patient finishes registering at the clinic. Humans are becoming annoyingly competent.

Peace N: Social media?

Ebola: That is my communications department. 

Peace N: Your communications department?

Ebola: Yeah. Twenty years ago I needed newspapers. Today a rumour can circle the globe before I have infected anybody. Remarkable technology.

Peace N: So social media exaggerates things?

Ebola: Sometimes. But it also helps people detect outbreaks faster. Humans have essentially built the world's largest disease notification system and called it social networking.

Peace N: Let's talk about funding. There used to be large amounts of money for preparedness and disease surveillance.

Ebola: Yes. Good times.

Peace N: What happened?

Ebola: People got bored. Humans have a fascinating habit. They only believe in a fire while they can see the flames. The moment the smoke disappears, they sell the fire extinguisher, and then they act shocked when the building catches fire again.

Peace: There are reports that some countries are tightening travel restrictions.

Ebola: I love that part.

Peace N: Why?

Ebola: Because the tourist gets cancelled, businessman gets delayed, conference delegate gets denied, and Me? I still make headlines.

Peace N: Why do viruses seem to be winning?

Ebola looked genuinely confused.

Ebola: Winning?

Peace N: Yes.

Ebola: We are not winning. Humans live longer than ever. Medicine is better than ever. Science is better than ever. The real mystery is that despite all that progress, people continue creating perfect conditions for outbreaks. You cut forests. You move wildlife. You warm the planet. You build giant connected cities. You fly across continents in hours. Then when diseases take advantage of the opportunities, everyone looks at us. My success also comes from panic, politics, short memories, underinvestment and human behaviour. 

Peace: That sounds like you are blaming humans.

Ebola: I am just a virus. The rest is teamwork.

At that point Ebola stood up and checked its watch. "I have to go." Then it disappeared.

Just as it was walking out three countries had issued travel bans on all of Africa.  As far as I know, Ebola had not actually done anything yet.