A practical guide to fooling people on April Fool's Day

April Fool’s Day is approaching, which means nonsense is back in season. If you are planning to fool someone, it helps to remember that absurd statements rarely succeed because they are clever or creative. They usually succeed because they are delivered calmly enough to delay immediate doubt.

So if you intend to mislead responsibly, even for one morning, here are a few principles that may help.

Begin with unnecessary calm

Do not sound excited when you are saying something unreasonable. 

For example, if you intend to announce that mandatory blood pressure and blood sugar checks may soon apply to everyone aged 15 and above because of rising non-communicable diseases in Uganda, the sentence must sound like the early stage of policy, not gossip.

The trick is to say it as though somebody somewhere has already discussed it twice and only forgot to inform the public.

A calm voice helps because people often trust tone before they analyse content.

Add one detail nobody asked for

A strange statement becomes stronger the moment it contains unnecessary detail. It is not enough to say Parliament has decided to revise the national anthem.

It helps to add that the new lyrics have already been submitted, reviewed by MPs, and approved by a selected group of youth after donor concerns about references to God in publicly funded civic language.

That unnecessary detail often buys the statement extra life. People do not trust broad nonsense. Specific nonsense sounds researched and plausible.

Borrow authority you cannot be asked to produce

The oldest support system for weak information is unnamed authority.

Phrases like:

"They are already discussing it."
"Apparently it has reached higher offices."
"Someone from inside mentioned it."

Nobody knows who "they" are, but "they" have helped weak statements gain strength for generations.

Even a completely unreasonable sentence gains temporary authority when it appears to have passed through unseen corridors.

Say it, then allow silence to firm it

After saying something absurd, stop talking. Silence creates a small psychological burden for the other person. They begin checking whether they are the only one who missed something.

For example:

"Starting next term, schools may introduce compulsory swimming because of increased incidences of flooding."

Then pause. 

Very often, people will first search your face, or wait for what you are going to say next, before they search their own logic.

Keep your face controlled slightly longer than necessary

This is where many otherwise excellent attempts fail. A nonsensical sentence may survive a perfect pitch, but the face could sell you. A smile too early destroys everything. A straight face is often doing more speaking than the words themselves.

Timing helps nonsense more than intelligence does

Weak nonsense improves when people are distracted.

Early morning, lunchtime, or when a person is busy responding to emails or looking for keys that they have misplaced.

At the right hour, someone may briefly accept that because of worsening air quality in Kampala, authorities are considering donkeys for public transport, and that bids for donkey transport operators have already been issued.

It sounds improbable, but not impossible, especially to someone who is busy, which is often enough.

Let it sound as though it was written in a memo

The human mind is surprisingly respectful of sentences that sound administrative.

Compare:

"They may ban loud laughter in meetings."

Versus:

"There is discussion around regulating excessive laughter during formal meetings because it affects recording quality."

The second one has more potential.

Do not explain too much

The moment you begin defending nonsense too hard, it weakens. Strong nonsense should stand briefly on its own, almost as if explanation would be unnecessary because the statement seemingly has weight. Too much explanation questions legitimacy.

Mild inconvenience is usually more believable than new inventions

The most effective foolish statements rarely have too much drama. In fact they contain facts from the ordinary life and sound mildly irritating.

For example, do not announce restriction of cars entering the CBD. That is too ambitious.

You begin with something believable enough to disturb routine:"Because of road pressure, high traffic and floods, some traffic officers are proposing cars with odd-number plates move on rainy Thursdays."

This will hold for a while because it sounds inconvenient enough to be possible.

Leave before practical questions are asked

Avoid prolonged discussion. The longer it is discussed, the more likely someone will ask a practical question, and practical questions are usually where otherwise promising foolishness is caught.

So, good people, if you are going to fool anyone, at least respect the craft. Choose your sentence properly, say it calmly, breathe, and give it just enough detail to survive its first encounter with doubt. A weak statement can still travel surprisingly far if dressed and delivered properly.

From where my feet are, I am planning to fool, so stand watch.